
Diddley Squat’s crop of Melody Spuds
The second series of this show was made available in
February 2023, so it was a good opportunity to watch both it and the first
series. Having no interest in cars I’d not seen any of Jeremy Clarkson’s
programs before. In fact, I mainly know of him from satirical representations.
Clarkson has the common touch and evidently taps into something so basic it’s
practically primeval. That his subject is motor transport is incidental to the
plain-talking, easy-going machismo he peddles. This sense of the comfortable is
picked up in The Guardian’s grudgingly positive review
of the second series:
Clarkson has always offered his viewers and readers comfort.
Historically his prime audience has been men confused by modernity, dismayed at
being told climate breakdown is real, furious at the news that they’re no
longer allowed to be rude about people who aren’t English; it comforts them to
see someone pointlessly jabbing at the things that annoy them.
The Guardian
In fairness this appeal runs deeper. Although stripped of
the ability to appeal to these annoyants in the context of the countryside,
Clarkson still connects with the viewer on the level of an essentially
good-natured, masculine simplicity. Men: the endearingly loyal, one-dimensional
animals.

Everything guaranteed NON!!! organic
You’d expect a presenter who jokes about lorry drivers
murdering prostitutes, quaffs gin and tonics while driving, and provokes record
complaints for his recent Sun newspaper article casting Meghan Markle in a Game
of Thrones-styled public humiliation, to find some easy target to ridicule in
his Cotswolds adventure. It looked for a moment that organic, that brand
sadly tainted by a supposed association with the rich and prissy, might be it.

Clarkson ponders the future
However, in conversation with his land agent, Charlie
Ireland, in the Melting episode Clarkson reveals hidden intuitions. He
poses the rhetorical question, “How long can we we keep just spraying fields
[with fertiliser and herbicide] before they go; ‘Actually you know what I’ve
given all I can give.'” Ireland counters, “The crop?” to which Clarkson
replies, “Just the soil.”
He has read that some experts predict there are only ninety
to a hundred harvests left before the topsoil is dead. “It’s like saying to a
footballer, ‘Right, now you’ve done the whole premiere league season. Now
you’re immediately going on to play in the southern hemisphere and you’ve got
to give just as much there.'” Ireland’s immediate recourse is to conventional
ag orthodoxy, “That’s why we have a rotation.”
The crop rotation is supposed to give the soil a
chance to recover, but at Diddley Squat, Clarkson’s farm, they’re not actually
planting a regenerative cover crop like a Vetch, Rye, or Clover in their
sequence, and Clarkson picks this up, “But we just go: Wheat, Barley, Rape.”
Ireland concludes, “You’ve every right to be worried.” It’s progressive, and
it’s his perspective as an outsider, a trainee farmer, that causes Clarkson to
make these fresh observations.

Fresh cow pat
To his credit Clarkson actually puts this impulse into
action. In Surviving, in the second series, he sets up a mob
grazing rotation. Cattle graze and lay their cow pats on the field,
chickens in a movable hutch pick bugs from the pats, and spread (as Clarkson
puts it) the cows’ “number twos” around, and then the process moves to a
adjacent patch. The soil is enriched with the chemical nutrients and, which
point is omitted, with the biology therein. Clarkson explains to the
slightly bemused Ireland, “So you go back to old-fashioned farming, that’s my
plan.”

Spreading chicken shit on the fields
Series two’s Counselling episode is set against the
background of the Ukrainian conflict. This has caused the price of fertiliser
to rocket in the EU. As they are spreading chicken shit on their barley field
Clarkson remarks, “I want that on the fields because it saves me from using
quite so much nitrogen.” That’s positive too…
But what would a soil nerd say in criticism of the practices
at Clarkson Farm? They might point out the staggering amount of tillage.
Although ploughing and digging are fixed in the popular imagination as
essential to farming and gardening, disturbing the soil is bad for it, and
releases locked-in carbon. In addition to this, Clarkson is using tons of NPK
fertiliser (the cocktail of Nitrogen, Phosphorous, Potassium) and herbicides,
he tells Giles Coren
of The Times, “I spray Glyphosate
on everything!” Although there are much larger farms than Clarkson’s
that manage not to use chemical inputs in the US
and UK, it is probably easier
to manage both No Till and No Chemicals on a smaller scale.

Thoughts in the pandemic
As he is working the field in his hilariously massive
Lamborghini tractor in the middle of the pandemic, Clarkson ponders the
potential impact of Covid on agricultural keyworkers. “I read the other day
that 90% of the world’s 570 million farms are run by either one man or one
family. So that if that man or family gets the virus, the farm dies.” Naturally
the picture springs to mind of many similar operations grinding to halt.
However, in the relatively recent past UK farms didn’t look like Clarkson’s with
its thousand acres, massive mechanical and technological resources, and
miniscule full-time staff (even if there are a few people working off-camera
so-to-speak).
Owing to the EU’s Common Agricultural Policy, drawn up in
1962 by policy makers without any background in farming and with an emphasis
solely on food security, production-linked subsidies were the first stage in
the consolidation of many small farms into larger ones. Then hastening this
process in 2005 area-based subsidies gave money to landowners linked to the
size of their property, the more land the greater the state handout. Those
farmers didn’t even have to farm the land. This frankly disastrous state intervention
(which put small farms out of business) may be reversed by 2023’s Post-Brexit
farm subsidies. These might be the only good thing that has happened
thus far as a result of the UK leaving the EU.
Globally the reality defies the “conventional agriculture”
model, especially in the light of green revolution
threats that without big “ag” the world would starve. To circle back to
Clarkson’s aforementioned 570 million farms with their single custodians; those
aren’t nearly the size of his! The average acreage of the 200,000 farms in the
UK is 320 acres, a third of the size of Diddley Squat. But 78% of farms around
the world are 5 acres or less. The world is full of small farmers; industrial
agriculture is not feeding the world. The “conventional” industrialised
farming infrastructure in the UK and supermarket price fixing have created a
situation where any alternative is ruinous to farmers. Without scale they would
have been unable to tap into the subsidies which, as a result of price-fixing
they were dependent upon for survival. To farm ecologically, with fertiliser so
cheap, and scant financial encouragement to do so in terms of handouts, was
almost entirely disincentivised. Even so the profit margin has shrunk from an
early sixties peak of 80% to 8% today.
Scale is the issue. It would be good to see the UK’s
agricultural landscape transformed into a patchwork of much smaller more
ecologically-oriented, regenerative or organic farms delivering food locally
and cutting out the major supermarkets. Like for instance in the
entrepreneurial Community
Supported Agriculture model. It may be that big estates and the extremely
high cost of land (now at around £20,000 per acre) are an impediment to that,
though some campaigners advocate tenancy working in that context if only large
landowners were more open to it. Of course that’s wishful thinking but,
for instance, why couldn’t a major metropolis like London be encircled with
small farms like both it and Paris used to be?

A calf’s budding horns
I don’t mean to undermine Clarkson’s widely-praised
intervention. Again, it’s his outsider’s angle which throws such a revealing
light on the process and trials of farming in the UK. For instance, the
unflinchingly honest depictions of the rearing and slaughter of cattle and
sheep led a
vegetarian reviewer writing in the Oxford Mail to comment that he’d, “come
to the conclusion that the raw take on the meat industry in Clarkson’s Farm is
not necessarily a bad thing.” As saddening as it sometimes can be to witness,
we should be grateful for the opportunity to see the reality.
Clarkson’s visceral discomfort with the practice of
dehorning cattle was particularly interesting against the background of
Biodynamic practice where cows are left with
their horns. Somehow the welsh vet Dilwyn’s reply to his question as to the
necessity of the process, “Because the ones with horns become dominant and
bully the rest”, rang hollow. Surely this is something that could be worked
through in a generation? Cows are apparently much more peaceful with their
horns left on. But Clarkson’s cows all get to graze outdoors on pasture and are
not indoors in some horrible CAFO
being fed grain. I thought they looked very happy and probably taste delicious.
He showed a very soft heart in sparing the cow Pepper at the end of the second
series, announcing she would be a pet for his wife Lisa.
Even on the topic of insects he strikes a progressive tone,
in the Wilding episode he remarks “Thirty or forty years ago after about
five miles [of driving] I wouldn’t have been able to see where I was going. My
windscreen would have been an opaque smorgasbord of dead insects. But now look
at it, there’s nothing! You get more flies on the front of a submarine.” He
explained to Giles Coren “Insects are very important, so I’ve tried to really
up the numbers of insects which has had a profound effect on the number of
birds. It’s deafening birdsong now at dawn and dusk on the farm.”
As charmingly ham-fisted as Clarkson’s environmental
measures sometimes appear (a case in point being the admittedly funny debacle
of his natural lake with its electric fences to keep away otters),
because he has clung tightly to conventional industrial agricultural orthodoxy
there has been almost no negative commentary of the show. Dramatising
countryside matters, about which urban critics know less about, he’s had a very
easy ride. Paradoxically if he had run an organic farm like nearby Daylesford
(where he is seen shopping in the show), and which would genuinely be
ecological, he would have been attacked. As it is the only friction he has put
up with is his local council battling him over planning permission.